You’re a new mom and you can’t stop thinking about terrible things happening to your baby. I mean really awful things. Unspeakable things. Images, sounds, or statements of harming or killing your child or seeing them fatally injured or dead are constantly flooding your mind. Have no fear! Although the thoughts can be scary, it’s no biggie. It’s perfectly normal and they’re harmless.

Really? What the hell is going on?

You’re experiencing what’s called intrusive thoughts. Even inappropriate thoughts about sex are common. Yep. Normal. All normal. The thoughts are deeply offensive and disturbing, for a reason. They’re reminders that you’re a good person with strong values that knows certain behavior is wrong. Even if you think non-stop about throwing your baby off the pier into the murky depths of the ocean, you know NOT to do it. Unfortunately, intrusive thoughts remind us that we live in a world where that could happen and has happened. And that’s even more disturbing.

Before I had a baby, I didn’t think about this stuff. Why now?

Because it didn’t matter. Because you weren’t caring for the most precious, vulnerable, helpless little sweet thing on the planet. Now you’re a Mother — with a capital M — responsible for keeping your baby safe. And your amygdala, the part of your brain that’s nearly as old as the dinosaurs, is responsible for you.

If you’re like me and have the tendency to feel anxious or depressed at times, you’re already feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. Sprinkle on a little extra sensitivity and your protective-mommy-mechanisms will be on overdrive, believing you can somehow keep your baby safe from EVERYTHING.

Survival is the name of the game for your amygdala, or “reptilian brain.” It detects threats and activates appropriate fear-related behaviors in response to danger. It’s extremely good at what it does because it’s primitive. Not having to decipher between what’s real and what’s not is literally the most comprehensive life insurance plan available. Your amygdala proudly provides full coverage, allowing you to think certain imagined fears are real, so you can go along flight and fighting your way through life.

That seems like it could be problematic.

It is. And it’s worse for new mothers whose hormones are still on overdrive. Here we are, innocently trying to change our baby’s diaper, while our “reptilian brains” are reminding us of everything horrible in the world — lest we forget to protect our children from it — all day, every day. As we’re muttering, “It’s okay mama’s here. Everything’s going to be alright,” we’re faced with an inner conflict.

We know it’s not always going to be okay.

We must allow the heartbreaking reality of how awful life can be to sink in because it’s all kind of true. In floods our past. In rushes, all of our unresolved issues as an overwhelming tidal wave. We struggle to breathe and stay above water.

Welcome to motherhood.

For me, the truth of what it meant to be the mother of a little baby girl, was awful. Especially since that little baby girl is non-white. Nobody wants to sit with the cruelties of racism or the trauma of living in a patriarchal society. We just want to clean up our baby and move on to snuggling and cuddling and smooching and loving them up. We want to be their safe haven.

Deep down we know it’s not safe out there.

Which SUCKS. And if you’re like me … I pushed all those feelings away like a toddler swatting a spoon of mashed peas, SPLAT, all over the wall. Then here we are left cleaning muck off the wall, feeling a bunch of awful feelings that we don’t want to feel, and trying to stuff them down. We move on to scrolling our phones, drinking, or online shopping. You know where this article is going now, right?

I really, really hate sitting with my feelings. I mean like, it’s excruciating. I avoid them at all costs. And they just keep coming back.

It’s so weird.

The really shitty part about intrusive thoughts is the more you push them away, the harder they push back. They are designed to be repetitive, disturbing, distressing, and continuous. Those awful thoughts that keep cropping up again and again that you’ll never tell a soul? They’re trying to tell you something.

No, it’s not to be taken literally. You will not harm your baby. You’re a good person that knows it’s wrong, not the other way around. Your amygdala is just checking in to make sure you don’t forget. Do NOT throw the baby off the pier. That’s still a horrible idea. Right, mom?

Right.

When an unwelcome thought dances through your mind like a bare-bottomed tike running amok through the house, treat it the same way you would your child. Gently remind it that the behavior’s not welcome and guide it toward the bathtub or out of your mind. The bummer is eventually you’ll have to sit with the big feelings.

I need a breather.

Breath-work, tapping, or somatic experiencing therapy can work wonders here. Remind yourself that right now, in real-time, you are safe. Ground yourself in the present moment through your senses. Pay attention to what you can hear, taste, see, smell, and touch. Keep coming back to your breath until the feelings pass. They will.

The trouble arises when we start to think our intrusive thoughts are a problem. When we think something’s wrong with us, or that we have a more serious problem; that’s when they can negatively affect our quality of life, and how we behave. I’ve spent too much time here and it’s no fun. Going through life having thoughts no mother should have creates inner conflict that increases into extreme anxiety.

I’m not good enough. I’m a bad mom.

That’s how they start. The milder forms of intrusive thoughts come in the form of our own critical voice and they’re insidious. They’re harder to notice and are more damaging because we actually believe them. They’re always black and white. “You’ll NEVER … You’re ALWAYS … You’re stupid.” End of discussion. And often can be difficult to discuss, even with our partner or closest inner circle, due to stigma or assuming you feel ‘wrong’.

Ouch.

The nature of unwanted thoughts is that they’re painful and not welcome. So you need to move on. Acknowledge that you had an intrusive thought and carry on. Do not hang out with it, judge it, or analyze it. Set a sweet little boundary, “Nope that’s not okay. Thank you very much for the deluge of information about the state of the world, or what we used to hear in our family growing up, but we’re not doing that right now. I see you and I’ll sit with my feelings about these topics when I’m ready.” It’s all about boundaries. Even within our own minds.

So nothing’s wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you. Let me repeat. There is nothing wrong with you. The scariest part of intrusive thoughts is this: the feeling that having a thought about something is as bad as doing it. This is called ‘thought/action fusion’. Thinking and doing aren’t the same thing at all. Having a ‘bad’ thought does not mean you are a ‘bad’ person. This took me a long time to learn.

I’m having a really hard time.

If you’re struggling to manage everyday activities due to intrusive thoughts, you might need extra support. Ask your doctor about Postpartum Anxiety (PPA). It’s easy to treat safely and extremely common. Although PPA is rarely discussed due to stigma or fear around a ‘taboo’ subject, it’s a common diagnosis.

Let me emphasize that you’re an amazing mother with numerous gifts to share. You can learn to manage intrusive thoughts by being gentle with yourself. Reach out when life feels unmanageable. Feel free to read more about my personal experience with intrusive thoughts here.

Mothering with anxiety and depression is one of the hardest things you will ever do. You don’t have to do it alone.