“Will you hold me?” she asked while balancing on one leg trying to attach her crampons to her boots. I could see her breath. Snow crunched under her feet as she wobbled. I wrapped my arm around her waist to keep her steady.

Low-in-the-sky November sunlight streamed through the trees as I wondered how many times she’d asked me that same question.

Crisp alpine air pinked up my face as I recalled so many different circumstances, her varied ages and voices.

I remember as a toddler, when she didn’t yet speak in full sentences. All she could do was reach up her pudgy arms and sticky hands to say, “Hold you?” Which meant, will you hold me?

I remember feverish bedtimes that smelled like grape Tylenol when she wanted me to hold her all night long. I remember the dark surrender of knowing sleep would not be for me, just a lot of thinking about sleep.

I remember when she was older and things were really, really hard and very loud between us. When I wished she’d just asked to be held. I remember being terrified of what she would do next. And I’ll never forget that one night when she stood in my bedroom doorway like a shadow and asked.

And of course, I was there to do the holding.

I think about the ease at which she can ask me that question now, at 17 years old, when she’s only got one year left at home. How she climbs onto my lap and asks if I’ll hold her as a joke because she knows her strong athletic muscles will crush me.

And of course, I’m here to do the holding—getting crushed or not.

I remember what we’ve been through and the trust we’ve had to build after I was the destroyer of it.

I adore parenting this teenage girl of mine. Especially after divorce, when we’ve both been through so much. I think she sees me working my ass off to rebuild trust, to do the best I can, and then do better. Then when I catch her being dishonest, she does the same.

Then she looks up from the ground with her boots all ready to go and says, “Thanks.”

#parentingteenagegirls #motherdaughterjourney #motherdaughter #parentingteens #raisingteens #raisingteengirls #formoms #momlife